Community Questions (article 3)

Community Questions (article 3)

In follow up to the last article, the topic was about applying the formula to change thoughts and behaviors that lead us to the same response, if that response tends to make us unhappy in the long run. Our discussion was for individuals that may have difficulty saying “no” when by their own definition saying “yes” only leads them to ultimate feelings of unhappiness.

If we agree that we cannot change other people (concept 6) then changing what we do have control of such as ourselves will help us change an unwanted outcome. We have a limited amount of energy. We can take our energy and try to figure out “why” we can’t just say “no”, but will using all that energy change the outcome?

We can save energy simply by acceptance. Accept the fact that we may never quite understand “why” we just can’t say “no” and use that preserved energy to try something other than saying “yes”. My supervisor suggested I try a tag line. That tag line was “No, but thank you for asking.”

Remaining open to suggestions is key. I knew that saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no” wasn’t really working for me, so that was something I personally needed to change. Practicing a tag line seemed too simple and I didn’t know how that would change things but I had no better suggestion. I tried it.

That advice was given to me almost 20 years ago and I still use it to this day. I was “shocked” when using that tagline actually worked. For whatever reason, on an unconscious level I felt “guilty” saying “no”. It was just too negative of a response. Saying “No, but thank you for asking” left on such a positive note that unconsciously I could accept it. That started my ability to be able to say “yes” when I wanted to and “no” when I really wanted to.

When I am asked for donations and I don’t want to give my savings to endless contributions I can say the tagline and walk away feeling an air of acceptance. I respond the way I want to and have no guilty feelings about doing so. With practice, my response became more natural. I’ve shared this experience with those who have attended my groups. Many in our community have identified with this as a similar challenge and have adopted such a trial plan to promote their own desired change. They agree it’s not complicating.

I have crossed paths with many people in our community who also go through life trying to please other people. This has been part of their never ending cycle that keeps them unhappy in the long run. At one time that was me too. But let’s look at the facts and apply the formula.

If we agree that no two people are exactly alike (concept 5) then by our own admission how can we possibly please everybody? Let’s look at a jury. Twelve men and woman gather and are shown evidence. Isn’t it true that they can all be shown the same exact thing and have different perceptions and therefore different responses?

What an emotional roller coaster we engage in when we do not put ourselves first and have somewhere along the line have set ourselves up to fail by trying to please other people which again by our own admission is impossible. Look for expansion of this topic in the next issue of HIBU; Community Questions.